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empty arms

Last week, my husband and I went to see my midwife for a post-miscarriage visit.  At one point, toward the end of the visit, she was telling me of a conversation she’d had when she worked in a bank years ago.  Someone had lost a child to SIDS and that was the topic of the day among her fellow employees.  The question arose whether it would be harder on someone who had no other children.  The opinion was divided.  One woman who had 3 sons asked, “Are you trying to say that ________ loves her one child more than I love each of mine?!”  My midwife had responded, “No.  I’m not saying that at all.  But you have other children to comfort you.  You have other children to hold.  She would be left with empty arms.”

I had held up pretty well during the entire visit….. until she said that last sentence.  I broke.  As we stepped outside, my husband stopped me and held me for a few minutes, letting me cry it out.  Hearing her say that had hit me hard.  The one thing I kept thinking in the first days after miscarriage was that I wished I had another baby to hold.  Somehow it would’ve comforted me to just hold one of my other children……… if I had any.  But no, my arms are left empty.

But I still have hope.

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